Dear Captain Noah Tall,
Have you all ever gotten one of those computer viruses in your machines? I hear they are dreadful and have knocked out entire systems and crashed many a hard drive. What can you do to protect yourself from these awful critters?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
There are a number of virus-catching software programs out there that get almost everything – and they are highly recommended. However, here are a few they can’t seem to catch:

• Hillary Virus – Files disappear and then reappear a year later in another directory
• Fed Virus – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does nothing, but all of claim to the most important part of the computer
• Airline Baggage Virus – When you go to Miami, your data will go to Cleveland
• IRS Virus – Confiscates your data and fines you for being late
• PBS Virus – A free virus that stops your computer for hours on end to ask for money
• Politically Correct Virus – Refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.

Captain Noah

Dear Captain Noah,
The medical profession has really got me confused now. First they something is bad for you, then they say its good for you. Then bad for you, then good for you. Then bad, then good.
Puzzled About Health

Dear Puzzled,
Keep in mind that the folks giving you this invaluable information are highly trained professionals. Most recently they have discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
And in a recent survey it was discovered that 90% of dead people have eaten carrots; 80% of them have, at one time, eaten potatoes; 98% of them have digested bread; and nearly 100% of them drank water.
It boggles the mind!
Captain Noah

Note of the Month: Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!