Dear Captain Noah,
I know you must be a pretty lonely guy. That is why I worried about you
over the holidays. I do hope all went well and you had a fulfilling and
wonderful time.
A Secret Admirer
Dear Sad,
I was fine – got a chunk of coal for Christmas and a helluva hangover
for New Years. But that is not as bad as what Agnes went through. Here
are copies of her thank you notes:
December 14, 1997
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in
a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
December 15, 1997
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtledoves.
I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16, 1997
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17, 1997
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1997
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1997
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird pooh all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1997
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,
but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
December 22, 1997
Hey Dunce:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Egads do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors
have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
December 23, 1997
You rotten bastard:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been horsing around with those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you
!
Agnes
December 24, 1997
Listen Fathead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Office of Badger, Bender and Chole